I will start:

Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards



A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, "Why are you late?"
He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match."
But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still why are you late?"
He answered, "Because there was extra time."

Jesus walks into bar, sees three men of different ethnic backgrounds, each have a disability:

Comes up to the German guy in a wheelchair, touches his legs: German guy screams out "I can walk, I can WALK!"

Comes up to the Italian guy with one arm, touches his shoulders: "My arm came back, I have TWO ARMS"

Comes up to the Irish guy who's blind, about to touch his eyes, Irish guy screams out: "DON'T TOUCH ME - I'M ON DISABILITY!"

- The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."

- Ping has a new set of irons called Elins. They're clubs you can beat Tiger with.

- What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian.

- Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?

- Tiger's other women aren't misstresses. They're provisionals.

- Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.

- Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

- What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

- Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

- Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

- Tiger always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress.

- One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express.

- In which room we cannot live?
- Mushroom.

- Chuck Norris doesn't play computer games,the computer plays Chuck Norris games
- The only reason you woke up this morning is because Chuck Norris allowed you too.

- A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

Old Guy: "I come home and my best friend of 52 years is banging my wife, I say: Harry I have to - but you?"

Teacher - Name two days of the week that start with "t".
Pupil - Today and Tomorrow.

What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

A cop pulls a guy over:
- Sir, why were you speeeding?
- Officer, I wanted to get home quickly, before I became really drunk.